H.I.M. #2

The other day, I was trying to remove my left hearing aid to talk on my cellphone in the car (never a good idea), and instead removed my glasses.

H.I.M. = "Hearing-Impaired Moment"

You've heard of Senior Moments? Had one or two?

Well, today I coined a new acronym: Hearing-Impaired Moment (H.I.M.). It's when someone says something, and you hear something completely different, and continue to listen to them, trying your very best to make some sense out of it. A Pilates instructor told me a good one today:

"A friend was telling me a story about what happened to her the other night. At one point, she said, "And then "nature called." I heard "And then Rachel called." So, there I am, listening to the rest of the story, and it's not really making any sense, so finally, I ask, "Who's Rachel?" She said, "Rachel who?" Well, that was good for a laugh!"

Idiot-Proofing, Advanced Level

So, I'm online trying to register as a Small, Woman-Owned Business in Virginia (don't ask). I get to what appears to be (finally) the end of my online data entry, and in the middle of the screen, the words "PRINT THIS PAGE" appear in a little box. So, I'm trying to figure out how to print it, and getting frustrated, when it finally occurs to me that the thing to do is to click on the little box with the cursor! Voila! I didn't recognize it as a tool, but thought it was an "order."

Take THAT, GUI designers!

Inexplicable; That's What You Are

My secular humanist senior moment:
In the parking lot after Pilates class, I noticed a fellow-student's license plate: DOUNOJC.
I'm always interested in wordplays and acronmyms on license plates, so I asked her what her plate meant. She replied, "Do You Know Jesus Christ?"
Not satisfied to have asked a dumb question and leave it at that, I replied, "Oh. I thought maybe the JC stood for James City." (the name of our county).
The only thing she was left to decide was what kind of idiot I was.

Idiot-proof?

I got myself a timer on a neck cord so I could set it and wander around the house and yard without burning the house down while my stock was simmering/eggs were boiling. One day, the timer went off in the back yard, at which point I went inside, took the time off over my head, and hung it on its peg on the wall. However, I did NOT turn the stove off.
Do you think I should start a career as a professional idiot-proofer?

In the Dark

A male friend entered the small, single-seater restroom of a restaurant. After taking a leak, he reached over to flush the toilet, and....
...switched off the light.

Rating: 3, for having the guts to repeat this incident.

Synesthesia

While driving up the highway at 70+mph, I realized that I needed to make a call on my cellphone. Normally, I have to remove my left hearing aid to do so. Instead, I removed my GLASSES. As I continued down the road, I realized things were, well, kind of fuzzy. It took only a split second to put the whole thing back together, get my glasses from the passenger seat, and continue down the road.
 
Rating: 5; kind of scary.

Carol, Again

Theother day, Carol's boss told her a new term for "senior moment." She can't for the life of her, remember it.

SCORE: 2

S'true, S'welpme

   Gent rushed into the "Men's Room at Macy's in the Mall, in the early evening. Observing that the floor under and around the facilities was wet he dashed into the nearest cubical.
      
       A few moments later,he turned to leave and found
       that the door had closed,the latch had engaged and
       the handle was not working.
             After pushing and pounding on the door,which
       refused to budge,  he stepped back,looked at the door and
       lifted his foot and planted it swiftly and accurately on the
       latch,causing the door to swing crazily open.
       He stepped out of the cubical, washed his hands,
       reached for a paper towel and then noticed that the
       doors to the other cubicals opened inward.

Score: 4, extra credit for use of unnecessary force during a senior moment.

Where's the Baby?

A friend, who will remain anonymous, was charged with taking care of his baby for the afternoon. He decided to go into the office and get some work done, so put the baby in her carrier, went to the office, and placed her right inside the door, so he wouldn't leave the office without her.
Well, when it came time to leave, he stepped right over the baby carrier, left the office, locked the door, and drove home. When he walked in the house, his wife asked him, "Where's the baby?"
Fortunately, the baby was sleeping soundly in his office.
The "baby" is now in graduate school, and her father is still on his own recognizance.

Senior Moment Score: gotta be a 5.

Oxymoron

If you want a free bumper sticker that says "Gated Community: An oxymoron?"
Attach your mailing address as a comment to this posting, and I'll put one in the mail to you.
Apologies to those who thought this was a senior moment.

Where's Maya?

Our friend's teenager, Maya, went on a mission trip to Peru this summer. On
the day she was to return, her mother sent Maya's sister to pick
Maya up at the airport. Maya's sister called to say that Maya had
not gotten off the plane. The mother, frantic, got on the phone with
the airlines, only to discover that Maya had not even been ON the
FLIGHT! Mid-panic, Maya's brother Adrian overheard his mother, and
pointed out, "Mom, Maya's not coming home until tomorrow!"

Score: 4.

CONTRIBUTE YOUR SENIOR MOMENT HERE!

Please enter your own senior moment here as a comment to this posting. You can do it anonymously. Don't forget to rate it from 1 - 5.

The scale for rating senior moments is 1-5, with one being 'fairly commonplace, a mistake anybody could make," to five, which is "scary; seriously doubting my sanity and ability to function." A three is a pretty good story, while 5 is a story you would only tell your close friends after either a drink or significant circumspection.

Dine and Dash

This  happened a Lonnnng time ago.
        In Manhattan Theater district I was in a very classy
        restaurant having dinner, alone.
        I looked at my watch and discovered that it was later than
       I thought.
             I was living in Queens at the time and had to take
       the train to 179th St, and then catch a bus to Douglaston.
             I realized that I didn't have much leeway since the
        last bus left 179th St. at 11:45 and I had to get from 44th St
        to the 179th St in less than three quarters of an hour.
       I practically ran up Broadway and bounced into the station,
       Waited an interminable five minutes for the train
       and finally, seated comfortably in a corner, breathed a sigh
       of relief.
       This lasted until 123rd St when I had a very uncomfortable
       realization that I had left the restaurant without paying the
       check. 
        
       Ans: Of Course I did, Two days later I went back and
             settled up with the manager. Tip and All
                  It was the waiter's day off.

Senior Moment Rating: 3

We Have A FIVE!

My friend Carol, who almost remained nameless, arranged a big, surprise birthday for a close friend of hers' 30th birthday. Carol knew that Mary's birthday wouuld be her 30th, because they had often joked about the fact that Mary was a year older, and Carol was 29.

Well, Mary arrived at Carol's house, alll those present jumped up and yelled, "SURPRISE!" and mary was indeed very surprised.

Later, she took Carol aside and said, "you know, I'm only 29."
"No you're not, you're a year older than me and I'm 29," replied Carol.

"Carol, you're only 28."

Silence.


Rating: 5 + (the plus is for the sustained delusion; not really a "moment" at all)

Nice Purse, You're Welcome

We recently invited a family to dinner because their son had announced he had joined the marines. Being good friends of ours, we thought it might be nice to take them out and buy dinner for the family.
Dinner was almost over when their 16 year old daughter said something to me to which I responded "you're welcome". I thought she had thanked me for dinner, but she had said "nice purse".
Where the hell I got "thanks for dinner" from "nice purse" I'll never know. It did explain the strange look she gave me when I said "you're welcome".
Ugh!

Suggested rating: 2 on the Senior Moments Scale

It's Great.....!

My sister was getting ready for her daughter's seventh birthday, and she and her husband were wrapping the gifts. She sent him into the bedroom to get the birthday card from her dresser drawer. He pulled the drawer open, and said "Oh -oh!"
On the cover of the card were the words "It's Great You're Eight!"

They used it the next year.

Rating: 2 (would be 3, except that they remembered to use it, and found it, the following year.)

CONTRIBUTE YOUR SENIOR MOMENT HERE!

Please enter your won senior moment here as a comment to this posting. You can do it anonymously. Don't forget to rate it from 1 - 5.

The Driveway Chainsaw Massacre

Last summer, I took my husband's (Mac's) chainsaw to be repaired. The gas had been left in it for over a year, and it had siezed up. After picking it up from the hardware store, where we had an extended conversation about the proper care of chainsaws ("you're lucky we could fix it"), I took it home in the trunk ofmy car. After pulling into the driveway, I took the chainsaw out and placed it right behind the car, so Mac would see it as he drove in the driveway, and be pleased that it was fixed.
In the meantime, I went in the house, and came to the conclusion that I needed to go to Kinko's to run off some copies. Back out the front door I went, right past the chainsaw, got into my car and threw it into reverse. When I heard the sound of the chainsaw grinding aginst the bottom of the car, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, it hit me. I tried putting it in first gear, and going forward, only to realize I was stuck; perched on the chainsaw.
I got out, and looked under the car. Yep, there it was.
Mac got home, and we had to jack up the car to get the chainsaw dislodged. The hardware store guys had fun giving me shit the very next morning when I shlepped in with the chainsaw, looking a bit more mangled than it had the night before when I picked it up. Fortunately, they were again able to fix it (miraculously; it's a Stihl) and I brought it home and let Mac take it out of the trunk.
A week later, Hurricane Isabel hit; we had the chain saw working in the nick of time.

Senior Moment Rating: 5

then there's renee

Renee told her husband she wanted a red scarf for Christmas. Nothing else, just the red scarf. Shortly after Christmas, she was getting ready to go out with her sister, and she was ransacking the house looking for the red scarf. After about fifteen minutes of looking, and cursing under her breath, she remembered.......her husband didn't GIVE her a red scarf!
Senior moment rating: 3